altruism

two and a half months ago i saw another stranger who was old and needed to sit down, and before i could stand up i was asked to stand up, and i did, and it wasnt my decision, and i felt used and cheated out of a chance to volunteer. a week ago i wanted to help friend out but after being reminded by someone else that how such help would improve that friends impression of me, my ethic told me to walk away and not help at all, and i decided so, and i felt extremely unhappy. the other day a friend needed help so i walked to some place and i came back with help and i was thanked by someone else, and i felt as if i might have did it for that thanks and i felt cheap. yesterday a stranger with a stroller was struggling with a heavy door and i held it open and another stranger smiled at me, and i tried to ignore it and i felt uncomfortable.

i figured that there had to be something bad going on inside of me. i realised i hate being used. i hate being pressured into doing good deeds for praise. i hate being praised for doing something simple. i hate people who do good deeds for praise and i hate that i might be one of them.

i realised that societies today have a disfigured view of righteousness; people are performing selfless acts for earthly rewards like recognition from man and are anticipating reciprocation of such acts--in the form of thank yous and pats on the back and looks of respect and the accumulation of points. people are boasting that they do this and do that for the hungry and for the disabled and for the weak and for the poor...all for the praise of man. all for material acknowledgement. post-modern confucianism has really corrupted minds to the point where young people think it is trendy and socially mandatory to respect their elders when the truth is that everyone deserves the same amount respect, including each and everyone of those youngsters themselves. altruism is not sacrificing personal need for the benefit of an older person, but rather for the benefit of any person other than self. fuck confucianism. i digress, but i swear to come back to this topic in the future.

an altruistic act is when a living thing assists another living thing at personal cost with zero expectation of reward. i say this knowing that there are true altruists out there--good people who derive their rewards intrinsically, and are similarly so motivated to continue sacrificing for that warm feeling they get, not the praise from man nor even the promise of heavenly reward. and so i come shakily to the conclusion that a good act cannot be said to be altruistic if the reward comes from an external source. whether one chooses to accept that reward or not is a null issue. to me, a simple pat on the back from a third party is good enough to destroy the meaning in my effort.

so it really irks me that today i can no longer offer my hand to someone who needs it without second-guessing myself--if i am really doing it for them or doing it for me. i wonder if it is still possible for me to be a genuine altruist nowadays. it is easy for someone to undo my good acts so i choose to do it secretly, but even so, it is easier for myself to undo them because i now possess this knowledge and am thus more likely to scrutinise my own intentions with cynicism in the future. i apologise if after reading this, you too, start doubting yourself.

"When you give to someone in need, don't do as the hypocrites do--blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get." - Matthew 6:2, NLT