my apology for future transgressions

i am sorry but that is just how it is how i was made in the beginning to how i remade myself from the pieces into a harder colder steel that bends in thoughts and words but never in actions a steel that reacts to darkness and warmth just like but no longer quite the same a scaffolding steel without which i am a shack on shaky stilts that threaten to give in and collapse me into a pile of nothing and nothingness is what i would not necessarily choose even if my other choice was death so go easy on the judgement or otherwise try not to look so confused because this i tell you though still in present will be past when i do transgress against you in the future--i am and have already apologised so i am moving on with or without your forgiveness since i rust just the same either way

ps 17 jan 2010 there is no way this could ever work. what was i thinking.

ps 29 apr 2010 i invoke this today. the amount i do, though big to me, tends to be little to some. i invoke this post today.

please excuse me

Do you see me standing there in the corner? I was alone. I always am at these big parties watching you, watching everybody, wishing I was more outgoing, wishing I was dressed up pretty...

Wallflower, I'm not here, no one sees me. Wallflower, I'm by myself, please excuse me.

But there you were standing in your own corner, your eyes were wide, tired, fading, just like mine. We could be the best of friends I'm sure of it. But I'm too shy to cross this crowded room. Besides...

Wallflower, I'm not here, no one sees me. Wallflower, I'm by myself, please excuse me. Help me leave this corner of the room I'm reaching out to you cause I've got things I could talk to you about and we could be wallflower friends, 'til the end. Wallflower friends 'til the end I'm sure of it. Wallflowers, we're not here, no one sees us... Wallflowers, we're together, please excuse us.

ps 20nov apparently i am a wallflower in denial

ps 2jan this is a song by priscilla ahn. please click the flower.

ris low 1, nerds wearing specs 0.

"Q: Some people say that you don't know what you're doing and have dragged our country's reputation down with you. What do you have to say to these people?

A: Can I tell them that they're bull-sh**ing? Please take a look at yourself in the mirror, as if you're not disgracing yourself. Is your English really that good? Can you really speak that well? Can you write that well? Do you think you can stand on the stage and portray yourself?
No, I don't think so. You're just somebody behind a computer, a nerd wearing specs, typing away. Just a coward."

:(

the smell of life

when i was 9 our science teacher asked us..."do smells have weight?"

i shouted "well milady, apparently you have not experienced my fart, which carries with it the full force of a runaway train. tell me if that doesnt have weight." well i didnt really say that. wish i did. instead i was perplexed into deep stupor. i still remember her condescending smirk laced with a couple of those smug chin lifts and corner-of-the-eye lookdowns. ya la ya la u smart la. atas bitch.

and the truth eluded me for years--because the answer could not exist. the question was...inherently flawed. suppose if we were to ask ourselves, 'do smelly things have weight?', the answer would be obvious. yes, even supermodels' gym clothes weigh something, even if the ladies themselves dont.

and then any uneducated simpleton would challenge "yes smelly clothes have weight but does the smell of smelly clothes weigh anything?" tersely put, ammonia (or hydrogen sulphide--the stuff of which legendary farts are made--i know my farts ok) molecules DO have weight. realise then that we had just started swirling down a different drainpipe because this answer is still not compatible with the original question.

"yes smelly clothes have weight and the ammonia molecules that make it smelly have weight but does the smell of smelliness of smelly clothes weigh anything?"

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! DIE! SHUT!!!

at this point i hear a click in my head (no, not aneurysm bursting). can i apply this question to our other senses? do images have weight? do tastes have weight? do sounds have weight? then i ask the fifth and the last and realise how terribad the question really is--do tactile feelings have weight? eureka. of course they dont. things we experience have weight. the experiences themselves weigh nothing.ss

so why is it that i believe that my memories are worth more to me than anything material? why does failure and regret feel so heavy? why is it that i believe i would never trade my experiences, including and especially all the bad ones, for tons of money, good looks and a restart on life with a blank, wiped slate? if im lucky i'll have an answer in 12 years.

the glass

water in a glass. air in a glass. weve all heard of the pessimist and the optimist. just two--perhaps too simple and elegant? :)

and said in a way to inspire optimism in the many who have chanced upon this nugget of wisdom, by making the pessimist sound ridiculous. ahh..but whatever was so bad about the ability to anticipate the worst, save for the possibility that it might eventually be all one ever could see? willful blindness: an extreme scenario; and i could say the same for unguided optimists.

but now im just getting hung up on another false dichotomy, because we really are a world of many and while

the optimist might say "your glass is half full",
the pessimist would say "your glass is half empty" and
the enviromentalist would say "is your glass recyclable?" while
the philosopher would say "your glass of water is tecnhically not really there", followed by
the communist, who would say "your glass is actually our glass". but
the polemicist says "there is no issue with the glass. it has always been about the cup". to which
Lara Croft would say "my cups are Double D". not forgetting
Ris Low, who would say "your glass is half boomz and half shingz" and
the engineer who would readily inform that "your glass needs ╥*r²*(H-x) more water". next,
the jaded man who says "fuck your glass" and
the feminist who says "your glass is a phallic contruct. i refuse to answer this question" as
the buddhist says "in my past life, i was a glass of water". so
the singapore govt would say "we shall take our shit and our piss and treat it and pour it into your glass" right before
Chase says "dun care what water... your glass A-list anot?" and quickly after,
the Marxist would shout "your glass is the symbol of oppression on the water which is the working class" and
the fascist, "your glass is half of whatever I tell you it is" and then of course what we imagine
Jesus would say: "your glass overfloweth."

amen.