dark night

goodnight sleep well

hence love

one of the worst tortures you can inflict on a man is complete sensory isolation...the only thing he tastes, his own tongue; the only thing he feels, his own body; the only thing he smells, his own fear, the only thing he hears, his own heartbeat; the only thing he sees, his doom. at this point it matters not that outside of this dark room there exists a nature to experience or animals to watch or other people to talk to--these things, though real--but because they cannot be interacted with--are as good as figments to the isolated man. this is the true meaning of being alone.

a man who is completely alive and cognitively viable, but has no control over his paralysed body is as good as a dead man because though his free will exists, he has no manner of option to convey that will into the realm of reality. even the blink of an eye can transmit a message, but what if even the eyelid is no longer connected to the thought of moving it? is not this man lost to the world forever though he is still in it?

what is the meaning of sentient existence if we cannot exert that sentience unto objective reality? the usefulness of descartes' words--knowing you exist simply because you think so--is useless at and beyond the point of knowing what you are capable of, be it the ability to pick up a rock, or the ability to scare a bird, or the highest form of existence validation, the ability to elicit a response from another sentient being. these are abilities that cannot be proven to exist simply by the thought alone but by the connection from thought to objective reality through the interface of perception and reality.

i cannot imagine being in the position of a trapped mind in a useless body, that is the worst fate. but i can imagine being thrown into isolation, where the only thing that can validate the existence of my thoughts is my thoughts--a curse in its own right. i can also imagine being the only human being on this earth, but at least i have the animals to prove to myself that i exist. i can also imagine being the only multicell organism on this earth--there, at least i have rocks to throw and validate my existence. i can imagine being the only object on earth, at least i can see that i can make my hands move--i know i exist. but take away my body, all i have left is my own thoughts, and i am equivalent to a will that has no manner of exerting itself--no meaning for existence.

the very fact that we are a sentient race underscores the primal need to self-validate at a level fit for our intelligence and we do so by bouncing impulses and receiving responses from other sentient beings. but to think such socialisation is merely primal would be a huge mistake. interaction with another human being is not only a necessary but sufficient criterion for meaningful existence.

what is more meaningful than knowing your own existence? the way i see it, its also knowing that there exists another individual sentience whom you identify with more than any other, whom you know is not part of your own existence--a separate one which of its own separate free will also chose to identify with you more than any other. the higher form of existence--not only proving to yourself you exist, but also being proven to exist by somebody else. the credibility of such proofs increases as the level of identification increases, just as the phyiscal, mental, and emotional proximity increases, just as the relationship grows closer...

hence, love.

bittersweet heaven

its hard when people dont happen the way we would prefer. that one extra free will in our life that we allow in our inner circle--knowing that when at odds with our own free will--could make for very hard times. no, not even family nor friend comes that close, but a special one that because we invite into our castle, can make us feel the kind of happiness and the kind of sadness that no one outside the castle can ever possibly achieve. yet deep down, there is no greater honor to a house than to have its room--its purpose for existence--filled.

and when i think about what God did, when he created man and gave all of them free will, i cant help but wonder--though i dare not claim much more than assuming i know what was His intention--was He seeking the same kind of happiness of free wills in His castle, knowing full well He could be disappointed countless times before the final day?

an impossible feat for a mere mortal who struggles to attain this happiness even though he only lets in one free will at a time. yet when it works, he enjoys bittersweet heaven deserving of God Himself.

an old, unpublished piece on hate

3 may 2010, in response to seeing the phrase "i only bring out what is already within you."

i saw something today that made me think about hate and what it really means. now it's easy to get upset. it's easy to say who made you feel upset. x did. but heres the scoop: x doesnt own your feelings. there is a point somewhere along the line that we must define who is responsible for what.

do this: remember the last time you were in love with somebody. or maybe youre in love now. lets call that person y. remember y? when y was around, you were happy. you liked being happy. you like yourself when youre happy. ah, its all because of y. i love y. i love y because when y is around, i am better than when y isnt around.

now think about x. x did something. or wait. x made you do something. x made you say something. x made you feel worse than when x wasnt around. but is it really x's fault? is it possible that you hate x because x made you hate yourself? it is possible, isnt it? after all, what x did is forgiveable. but how x made you feel, is unforgiveable.

but if you love y for being able to bring out the best in you, it means you hate x for being able to bring out the worst in you. people around us have different abilities. some of them evoke parts of ourselves we want to see, and some of them materialise our shadows better and show us our ugly sides. realise now: neither x nor y created any part of you; they merely forced it out all on display. so who is to blame for the existence of that monster?

y constantly reminds us of why life is good. y reminds us why life is worth living. as social creatures we are in perpetual need for such reminders. far be it from me to trample on love or to trivialise it, but love is simply in the reminders. and just as love reminds us of our good side, hate reminds us of our bad side.

and that really is the crux of the whole issue with unfair hate. we hate x because x reminds us that we are capable of atrocities. heck, x might even remind us that we are atrocities. but x is there to keep our heads out of the clouds. x grounds us. just as y makes life fantastic, x makes life real. if hatred did not exist, we would not be capable of fully appreciating love.

brace for the incoming paradox. stop hating the people you hate, because the reason you hate them is only because you would rather not hate yourself. and that isnt fair to x.

the alternative is to be unfair, and hate x, for x wasnt fair to you in the first place. heck, the world isnt fair. maybe we should just love the people who make us happy and hate the people who dont. let us become vectors for the propagation of unfair hate. then we can all wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and see x, the person we hate.

yeah!

+1 for progressivism

time

it is precisely because we are given enough time to do everything that we end up spending time on everything and not enough on the few things, the few things that if all that time were suddenly taken away we would spend what little time we had on, such that though it would feel like there wasn't enough time, every moment of it would still be sweet.

hopefully maybe someone

one day ill just sit and be quiet, and i wont even have open my eyes, yet someone out there will know what im thinking. that someone will know what is about to come out of my mouth, what im about to do next. most importantly that someone will know why i will do what i will do.

i dont need that someone to believe, nor understand, nor even agree. at one point i might even be happy with just not being misunderstood...

shhh...someone's coming.

guilty kimchi

fresh and hot

a little aged here and crunchy there

funky red lace on a pale green underlay

a bite 

lips a'smackin

teeth chatter to the tang no better

than the smell of a leaf with a fragrant fester

how wrong it feels to indulge in this

with nimble hands we taste this bliss

"Pab! Hana! De!"

one more time just one more time

how do we take without wanting more

for the wrongness of it all in every nibble

tastes only right--quit this petty rabble

i say hand me another serving

forget the tummyache for tomorrow

as the days ahead sure quickly follow

i live for now and now im itchy

woe to him who withholds my Kimchi.

~

korea haiku

alive in allive

a little clock ticks

cosy walls hum through the night

my heart sound asleep

~

oh my God

don't need no food, don't need no sleep, just a couple sips of water once in awhile.

i want things to stay the same

even though the nature of things is to change. this means that as people we must adapt to keep our results in order. stubborn rigidity is the trade of personal security against long-term happiness. willing change is whereas the highest abstract form of sacrifice and it is an investment into any relational bond. in a way, a relationship with no sacrifice is a fund with no investors. likewise, as there is no commitment, there is always a fast route out; where there is no risk, there is no payout.

the dividends are good, and i plan to reinvest.

on comfort and contentment

that's my job.

je regrette part cinq

Count Coulomb, Emperor Economics, Grandfather Gravity, Kaiser Karma, Lady Libra, Lord Luck, Tycoon Thermodynamics i can spend forever and a day coming up with alliterations of things in life which ebb and flow in the now but level out in the end; this universe is one built upon the laws of conservation, and to obtain all of one thing, then all of another must be sacrificed.

there is no free everything.

meaning of life part sept

people might behave in certain ways, appearing to have a myriad of different wants and preferences, disguising the fact that they are in need of security in all aspects. but it is only after they have attained security that this artificial cloud is blown away, and they realise that they are still not happy.

i have thought about it for a while and have come to the conclusion that what people really want, under security, is actually to be useful. i find it difficult to believe that all the security and reliability in the world could satiate anyone's life. even the delusion of security is not enough. it is only through knowing that my existence is for some reason that i can really be happy.

i have found my reason for being. i can only hope that i can hold on to that reason long enough so that i die before i let go or it is taken from me.

sunday apothecary

potion #18

a little bit of rabbit and a bit of cat,

a dash of sheep and wolf--yes we like it like that

a teaspoon of cumin to put in whats nice;

and to take care of naughty, pepper's the spice

a swig of vodka and a dribble of martell

ice cubes and music to strengthen the spell

prairie dog and mother hen,

a chunk of both then count to ten

now point the flask to canis major

and heat the elixir with a big laser

a slice of snake and a cut of mouse

now enjoy the aroma that fills my house

so borrow a ladle and mix in well,

and while it's hot go steal a smell

for the finishing touch is drawing near,

now into the pot a keg of beer

 

a pinch of paprika to lend it some bite,

oh this table, needle i light

~

butterfree used confusion!

 butterflies

 flutter atop our eyes you see

giving us time to do what we must do

remind me

i don't know how they got to be

trapped within no opportunity

my tummy

rolling around the dome they fly

makin' a sight to hold you know i'm right.

born free

born free

to be with me

~

in poland

dorota: in poland, we have a saying: "love is like headwound. its make you dizzy. you think you die...but you recover! ..usually."

blair: thats a terrible saying!

oh dear i think im in love...

...with math.

and lately i realised that i cant really read anymore. i go through a paragraph or two and soon into the third i discover that my eyes went across all the words but my mind was somewhere else. so i restart the paragraph and understand it and go on to the fourth but then quickly into that i find myself in yet another place again, and i have to re-read. i keep restarting and restarting and going in circles and going in circles...

its been happening a lot. my eyes see the words and my ears hear my minds voice reciting them but im neither reading nor listening...

whats the point?

what will we become?

What is given can't be returned.
The cards are in our hands.
All that is living can be hurt,
And that's the end of innocence.

-Kings of Convenience

rules part quatre

the purpose of the mosaic law as it turned out, wasnt to save jews but to prove to them that they were incapable of keeping it. after all, so flawed are we that we couldnt save ourselves even if our own asses depended on it. rules and laws do not teach the heart, only the body. the law, intended to be a scaffolding structure for the jews, became a stumbling block and iron curtain, preventing their own promised salvation.

it reached the point where God literally had to hand down a deus ex machina in the form of his son so that all the hopeless people may be saved. and yet they still shut their eyes to it. they did not see that the new age of grace ushered out the age of law, such that none of them needed longer to answer to disciplinarians. the law was meant to save them--it wasnt abolished; it was simply fulfilled that day at golgotha.

sure, its been written numerous times what one needed to do to enter the great kingdom. but really, everything that was listed are suggestions leading to the spirit of love. if there is no latter, then there is no former. and the pharisees followed the law to the letter, and yet they told squarely that they were were to be denied from heaven. why? because blind faith is not faith. one can follow all the rules and yet still fail, simply because one does not bother to understand why those rules exist. their hearts were always in the law and never in God. the more i read into the pauline scriptures the more i see this in religion today, especially my own.

there are a million ways to love someone. i dont understand why people have to go to church to find out how to do it, especially from leaders who remind me so much of the pharisees. well i guess someone has to take the fall for the rest to be saved, after all, even the jews had to be sacrificed for the sake of the gentiles. seriously, there is so much judgment and so little tolerance. sometimes i am so ashamed. if jesus were still here in person today, every pastor would get an ass-kicking.

you and your rules. you exclude people from your flock. you wear nice clothes and drive big cars and though you give to the poor, you laugh at those who worship idols. you shun all those who are different. and you do not teach your people not to shun those who are different, you impose your laws on those who arent even under your roof. you enforce before teaching. you teach words of man, not words of God. bad that even your sheep do not know any better. worse that they depend on you to teach them. worst of all, you would deny all of this.