lend please

i think the most valuable gift i can offer someone is my time if not my words.

it is high insult to see my things thrown away like they did not cost me to give away.

i dont like receiving glory; neither does it mean i dont mind feeling cheap. quite honestly i dont think i am worth fighting for even to myself. i can deliver punishment, but if it is for my benefit, i cannot do it. yet i am worthy enough to be punished--by my own sick rule. who will lift me up?

i want to lift the fallen. i feel useful that way. but who will lift me up when i fall? hypothetical question--im not really asking; dont deserve to ask. i dont like to ask for something which i dont deserve. but if it were someone else, i think i would like to give. who else would want to give to someone who did not deserve to receive? but maybe i am just doing it in the hope that if i can give to those who do not deserve, maybe i, who do not deserve, will someday be lifted up as well. i surmise that it is my subconscious greed. am i deluded?

i keep saying to myself lend, but dont knock on doors on payday, meanwhile hoping that one day someone who thinks like me will chance upon my predicament and lend to me what i have lent away for free but now need, so that i wont suffer empty. sometimes i think there is not enough people around to make this work. what if i run out and theres noone out there to come down and rescue me?

i need to convince myself that if no one out there comes and lends to me for free, then one day when i am in need, God will appear on the appointed time and save me. otherwise i have only one option, that is to stop giving. but if i stop, who will lend for free?