world cup fever

so im not really a soccer fan. usually i ask people what their favourite team is, just so i can tell them it sucks, and it makes them go all ape shit and i laugh to myself. thats about it for the fun i get out of football. never really liked it growing up anyway--so much running; i hate running! but the world cup is a little different--its once every four years and its kinda like the olympics, and im hit by the fever. one thing ive learnt from watching about five matches this world cup 2010: i think id make a good football commentator. heres a list of things i observed while watching....

• man, why are all the teams so defensive score something already damnit
• the cape town stadium looks so cool. singapore will never have something like that. maybe we'll build one in sentosa but then the dumbass govt will charge 100$ entry fee to locals.
• hey howd they make those cool green lines in the football pitch? 
• hey howd they make those cool green squares in the football pitch?
• hey i feel like ordering mac delivery.
• wow the average age of the german team is 25. ill be like 26 during the next world cup. im such a failure!
• eh podolski youre having such a bad day. but your name sounds cool so youre ok, buddy.
• not as cool as what im going to name my son: SCHWEINSTEIGER. omg schweinsteiger i cant stop saying schweinsteiger... SHHHVYYYYNSTYYYY GAHRRRRRR.
• german coach guy has cool mop hair. reminds me of sandy cohen from the oc. you know a team is good if the coach is so dedicated that he doesnt have time to cut his hair.
• my sister says she feels like wearing green socks now. well u know what, world cup is the only place where u can get away with wearing light green socks
• green serbia looks like a bunch of grasshoppers
• too bad germany still cant score goals. howd they get beaten by serbia?
• oh right they were playing 10v11. i did not know that Red Card meant you totally lose one player and get no substitute. i understand now. i know football now. actually no i dont.
• the referee was such a PAP, so many whistleblows and yellow cards. fierce guy.
• i like it when players spit on the grass. cos i know how disgusting it is to have to swallow saliva thats full of bubbles. pui.
• that united states coach looks like a bloody drill sergeant. and everytime the camera cuts to his bench i see him spitting. like ok--youre not even running why do u need to spit. stupid hooligan.
• hey united states your goalkeeper looks like a dummy when he has his hands on his knees and he just follows the ball with his eyes as it flies into the net he's supposed to block. hahaha noob.
• hey united states why do you have a guy in your team called Demerit. does he get a lot of fouls?
• Schweinsteiger, baby. Schweinsteiger.
• i stayed up to 2am lying around doing nothing in bed cos i couldnt sleep. i went to watch england v algeria. my subconscious wanted it so.
• usually teamplayers dont sing their national anthem but the england team was like shouting it. so patriotic. even i stood up and sang GOD SAVE THE QUEEEEEEEN
• what? prince harry and william? no wonder the team is singing so proudly.
• PRINCE WILLIAM YOU WERE SO HANDSOME WHY ARE U BALDING SIR?
• prince harry you were never handsome sorry sir.
• omg david beckham is in the building! holy shit!!
• uh..WHAT WAYNE ROONEY?! omfg you are losing hair too oh the travesty! why do you keep slipping and falling
• AHAHAH PETER CROUCH you alien stick insect guy! wow where are all these oldies coming from. football's so nostalgic this time...
• man, im fucking old.
• schweinsteiger, man. fuckin' schweinsteiger.
• beckham you have sexy eyebrows man. and why are u dressed like that. are you going for GQ photoshoot after the match?
• which reminds me. german coach-sandy cohen-lookalike and your assistant coach..i like your cardigan it looks comfy.
• and your german team jersey is so cool max. the font is awesome.
• england team jersey's font is Helvetica Light?
• my sister says their jersey is so cool, you can wear it to Orchard Road. which makes me wonder about the coolness of Orchard Road.
• walao eh, 0-0 again. sian jit pua. ohnoes channel my ahbengz hokkienz.

see i have so much shit to talk about. i bet id make a good football commentator. well maybe not. fuck it. Schweinsteiger.

crazy guy

went to sleep at 6am, wokeup at what must have been about 8am and started laughing for no reason. its a little foggy but i think it started due to something being said in a dream. the thing is, i dont remember it being funny. i just woke up, and had this overwhelming need to laugh. its like laughing gas or something.

so im lying there thinking  why do i feel like laughing. im not gonna laugh at something which isnt funny, thats just dumb. but after a while i gave up resisting and lol'd for the heck of it. like i had to just get it over with. but it was fun while it lasted, after which i felt i needed some rest.

so i went back to sleep.

butterfree used confusion!

 butterflies

 flutter atop our eyes you see

giving us time to do what we must do

remind me

i don't know how they got to be

trapped within no opportunity

my tummy

rolling around the dome they fly

makin' a sight to hold you know i'm right.

born free

born free

to be with me

~

you know youre old when

• you cant touch your toes like you could 10 years ago
• you get weird cramps when you try to sit cross-legged
• you get piercing knee pains when you kneel down on hard ground
• your hip hurts against the floor when you stop kneeling and try to lie down instead
• you get backaches just from sitting down
• nothing on tv excites you anymore
• nothing on fhm excites you anymore
• you stop listening to rock music or anything with drums in it
• hawker uncles no longer call you xiao di di or shuai ge but lao ban instead
• your face is constantly oily
• you start seeing varicose veins on the back of your leg
• you cant remember the last time you didnt have eyebags
• you cant remember what you ate for breakfast
• you start eating certain foods to help you shit better
• your mother starts bribing you to get a gf 

 "its ok, its an investment--just like your education!"

they say people change part deux

when i was 10, my english teacher, who was also my form teacher, wrote a neat little comment in my report card.

"gregory is an intelligent boy who speaks his mind, and would do well to be more meticulous and put more effort in his mother tongue."

besides that the results were ok. class conduct was Good. i nosed around and found some Very Good's and a few Excellent's. i quickly came to the conclusion that owning a penis automatically limited one's potential to obtaining a Good title. well except for that superquiet dork guy. he got Excellent. what a dork. this was lesson one in gender equality for me. anyway i digress, back to that teacher's comment...

so when people write critiques on you, you tend to see only the things you want to see. well maybe not you. maybe its just a me thing. im weird--no, special that way. o shit, digressing again. stop distracting me. anyways. well my special brain automatically disconnected my eyeballs after the comma--its about mother tongue for pete's sake. who cares about chinese. i dont eat rice; i eat potatoes. well i didnt actually think like that 12 years ago, just that in hindsight, now i realise what my subconscious was telling me: greg, effort and mother tongue does not a meaningful sentence make! and whats with this "meticulous". do you know how hard it is for a ten year old boy to match up to this word? its a stupendous, horrendous, incredulous, not to mention a completely ridiculous feat. now any or all of those four would have been more fair for someone of my gender and age bracket in 1998.

and then, there was this part about me speaking my mind. i didnt really understand that part. but i tried to--

is she trying to say that i spoke whatever came to my mind? or..hold on--maybe shes referring to my great ideas coming from my great mind? after all i am an intelligent boy?

WOW i was totally loving my teacher at this point, until i went home and showed the report card to the folks and--well if you know what happened to narcissus, you know the ending to my horror story.

the denouement: wow i was totally hating my teacher the next day. thanks alot, ms geetha. i went from intelligent boy with unique vocal confidence to boy with no-mother-tongue-only-glib-tongue. cut my life into pieces why dont you...ohh the tragedy.

okay enough wallowing in the pitiable past--fast-forward a decade. im 22. ahh much has changed hasnt it. lets see...still a fucking smartass, still unrestrained in opinion--ok this isnt looking good--still lazy, still suck at chinese, still only Good but not Very Good. holy crap, nothing has changed hasnt it? man, im horrible at this life thing! oh well look on the bright side--at least i still have my penis.

yeah i just checked.

hows that for meticulous?