whispers from my neighborhood

Drapes in my room: they flutter in volumes
As the wind heaves highs and touts its tunes
Of breaths that come gusts that go
This is my neighborhood; the ebb and the flow

Watch it!

gregory for dummies part deux

Lesson 401: Gregory as described by the astrologers, 
18 April 1988, 0824h, 1N16 103E51 

This is a heavy topic for 4th year students only. Study tips: lecturer comments, false information, good to know, very important, sure come out for exam.

Mars in Aquarius 
Rather than working according to established patterns, you want to find your own way, which you hope(know) will be better. As a result you are quite inventive and original. As you get older you will be concerned with the greater good of society. You are quite capable of directing your efforts to goals that will not benefit you personally but will benefit others. Even while you are young, you resent authority. If you are convinced of the importance of a cause, you work better with a group than you do alone.

Saturn in Capricorn 
Saturn is especially at home in this sign, the sign of its rulership, so it is particularly easy to express Saturn's positive traits here, namely, practicality, thrift, orderliness, attention, organization and a strong drive for significant achievements. Your standards are very high, and you may tend to be rather hard on yourself (others) when you don't live up to your expectations. Instead of condemning your weaknesses, you should capitalize on your strengths and use your energies more efficiently. Common sense will always be very important for you, and because you have such a practical mind, you can accomplish a great deal.

Pluto in Scorpio
This placement lasted from 1983 to 1995. Many astrologers believe that Scorpio is the sign that is ruled by Pluto. The children of this era should be much more concerned with the forces underlying the surface of reality. They will put their intelligence to investigating all kinds of phenomena, and it is just possible that they will bring the arts and sciences out of their present stagnation to a new period of dynamic activity. This period will be a time of change that is intense even by twentieth-century standards. (our future is..bright?!)

Venus in Gemini
You like to meet many people and have as many friends as possible, for you love variety. The more people you know, the less bored you are, so you act quite friendly and open. You express yourself in a lively way, and others will probably enjoy your humor and interesting wit (hopefully.). This position of Venus means that you will be interested in art and poetry when you are older. Although you like to know a lot of different people, you are not interested in getting close to them or involved in their lives. It may be hard for you to form a deep attachment to someone.

Taurus Rising
You are very calm and deliberate in your actions. You don't like to move too quickly or act hastily. Sometimes you are quite stubborn, and the more that someone applies pressure, the more firmly you resist. Outwardly, you appear quite calm and self-possessed. It is not that you suppress your feelings, but that your exterior does not reveal them readily. At the same time, you show others an earthy kind of warmth and friendliness. You enjoy comfort and the good things of life.(who doesnt?) 

Mars in the Ninth House 9th hs
You are strongly attached to your own point of view, and if challenged, you will fight very hard for your opinions. You are much more likely to fight for an ideal than for yourself. On one hand, you can be quite self-righteous and narrowly fanatical about your beliefs, but you can also be courageous in defending the rights of those who are downtrodden. You don't get involved just at the mental level; you act on your beliefs. Try not to get so wrapped up in your own views that you won't even consider someone else's. As you get older, you may want to travel around and see quite a bit of the world, which would be a good experience for you.
 
Neptune in the Eighth House 8th hs
You are unusually interested in matters of the mind and in finding out what makes people tick. You see mysterious forces at work in ordinary everyday events that others can see only the surface of. But you must be careful, because you can become rather morbidly obsessed and scared by the strange fantasies that you concoct. Your fears may make it difficult to go about your daily affairs. It is important to realize that these fears are based on what is happening to your mind rather than on anything that exists in the outside world. The best solution for all of these problems is to take up some activity that completely involves both your body and mind and absorbs the energy that would otherwise go into these negative emotional states.

Saturn Conjunct Neptune
You are fearful and tend toward depression. However, if you master its energies, you can learn to live with very little. Many persons with this aspect choose to be unencumbered by material possessions, preferring to live ascetically, with few comforts. And the psychological effect is similar, in that you may have a very great capacity to sacrifice yourself for others or for your beliefs.Basically you must learn to trust, not only other people, but the universe as well. You must believe that circumstances in your life will work out in your favor, because life should be no harder for you than for anyone else

Uranus Conjunct Neptune
This aspect produces a generation that will have a whole new approach to consciousness and idealism. They won't accept the old views of the material universe, and they may initiate new religious philosophies. The same concern with the occult and mystical philosophy that characterized the generation born in the 1940s (Uranus trine Neptune and Uranus square Neptune) will probably rise up again with this generation. However, these children will make a whole new beginning and will not adopt the forms of the old traditions.(blah blah blah) 

Moon Trine Neptune
You have a rich imagination, which you need to express in some way (blogger la). It doesn't matter whether or not your work is "good." It only matters that you express your imagination in some concrete form. Your imagination is so strong it can't be repressed. One way that you express it is by creating your own private fantasy world(catch me when im smiling to myself). You are very emotionally sensitive to other people's feelings, and unfortunately you make their feelings your own. When it comes to taking care of someone, you can be completely selfless. You get total satisfaction just from being of service.

Jupiter Trine Neptune
With this aspect you are likely to be very interested in religion, metaphysics and spiritual matters. You want to know about God, the relation of man to God, and what God means to you in particular. You use your own language and your own imagery in thinking about this, but you are definitely concerned with these ideas quite early in life. Many people with this aspect are quite unselfish. You are able to see that what benefits others benefits you as well. You may become involved in charitable projects, such as taking care of sick, disabled or disadvantaged people. Or you may enjoy taking care of sick or wounded animals. Basically you are an optimist (no link leh). You recognize that the world has its faults, but you feel that on the whole it is all right.

Neptune Trine Ascendant
You are very imaginative and potentially creative. Also you may be quite an idealist about other people. You are very sensitive to what others feel and need. Throughout your life, you will have the capacity to be unselfish and giving in relationships, even preferring a partner who seems to need you rather than someone who is more self- sufficient. This aspect can be a sign of considerable intuition and even psychic ability. Eventually this talent will be quite useful and the source of much creative inspiration in your life. While you are young you are attracted to otherworldly and fantastic interests. Later on in life, this may become an interest in the occult or in spiritual approaches to reality.

Neptune Sextile Pluto
This aspect lasted extremely long. It started in the late 1940s and continues beyond the end of the twentieth century. Therefore, a lot of children were born under this influence, and it is hard to separate its effects from other elements and indications. During this time a lot of beliefs, religious or otherwise, underwent extraordinary changes. Attitudes about organized religion, morality and sexuality were revised completely. The children of this time will probably know the cycles of life better than others. They will realize that it is a natural part of life that everything must die and decay, to be reborn again at another level. This is especially true for inner and spiritual developments but also for their concern about social and human relations. (blah blah more shotgun conjecture)

Lesson over. my skepticism for astrology has been replaced with acknowledgment and calm respect.

altruism

two and a half months ago i saw another stranger who was old and needed to sit down, and before i could stand up i was asked to stand up, and i did, and it wasnt my decision, and i felt used and cheated out of a chance to volunteer. a week ago i wanted to help friend out but after being reminded by someone else that how such help would improve that friends impression of me, my ethic told me to walk away and not help at all, and i decided so, and i felt extremely unhappy. the other day a friend needed help so i walked to some place and i came back with help and i was thanked by someone else, and i felt as if i might have did it for that thanks and i felt cheap. yesterday a stranger with a stroller was struggling with a heavy door and i held it open and another stranger smiled at me, and i tried to ignore it and i felt uncomfortable.

i figured that there had to be something bad going on inside of me. i realised i hate being used. i hate being pressured into doing good deeds for praise. i hate being praised for doing something simple. i hate people who do good deeds for praise and i hate that i might be one of them.

i realised that societies today have a disfigured view of righteousness; people are performing selfless acts for earthly rewards like recognition from man and are anticipating reciprocation of such acts--in the form of thank yous and pats on the back and looks of respect and the accumulation of points. people are boasting that they do this and do that for the hungry and for the disabled and for the weak and for the poor...all for the praise of man. all for material acknowledgement. post-modern confucianism has really corrupted minds to the point where young people think it is trendy and socially mandatory to respect their elders when the truth is that everyone deserves the same amount respect, including each and everyone of those youngsters themselves. altruism is not sacrificing personal need for the benefit of an older person, but rather for the benefit of any person other than self. fuck confucianism. i digress, but i swear to come back to this topic in the future.

an altruistic act is when a living thing assists another living thing at personal cost with zero expectation of reward. i say this knowing that there are true altruists out there--good people who derive their rewards intrinsically, and are similarly so motivated to continue sacrificing for that warm feeling they get, not the praise from man nor even the promise of heavenly reward. and so i come shakily to the conclusion that a good act cannot be said to be altruistic if the reward comes from an external source. whether one chooses to accept that reward or not is a null issue. to me, a simple pat on the back from a third party is good enough to destroy the meaning in my effort.

so it really irks me that today i can no longer offer my hand to someone who needs it without second-guessing myself--if i am really doing it for them or doing it for me. i wonder if it is still possible for me to be a genuine altruist nowadays. it is easy for someone to undo my good acts so i choose to do it secretly, but even so, it is easier for myself to undo them because i now possess this knowledge and am thus more likely to scrutinise my own intentions with cynicism in the future. i apologise if after reading this, you too, start doubting yourself.

"When you give to someone in need, don't do as the hypocrites do--blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get." - Matthew 6:2, NLT

they say people change

when they say "people change", they dont often know what they are talking about. i could even venture to say that jung was wrong on this matter. sorry, i mean he could be wrong on this matter.

it should be common knowledge that every single person who is psychologically sound would have a jungian persona with which he or she, the conciousness, uses to mediate with the external world, a world of other people, a world of nature, a world of reality. the layman like you or me would be familiar with this concept in the form of us adapting or conforming our outer personality in the presence of different groups of people; we are different persons when dealing with different people.

in a loose sense one might extrapolate this basic comprehension of psychoanalytics to really understand what the terms down-to-earth or multi-faceted mean when we describe the personalities we are used to being around with every day--the former suggests a persona congruent with the conscious self and it is a rare and greatly loved personality trait. the latter suggests an overly developed persona asymmetric to the actual ego, or "mask" which is the basis of the word's latin etymology. for the latter i dare posit what jung didnt: that it is highly possible that people have been practising and still do so--the creation, utilisation, nurturing and even the cherishing of multiple masks.

it is an extremely popular view that "people change" when on the contrary im much more comfortable with the notion that individuals simply go through stages of the development of their own unique personas, with the assumed goal of creating a mask that fits exactly onto the face of consciousness, creating a perfect mould of self--in effect a persona with all the utility of communicative versatility but without the deception of artificial colours. a perfect personality; in essence: down-to-earthness. highly rare, extremely fascinating. i have seen few; met fewer; loved one; loving one today.

"people" do not "change". personas do...as they should...as per natural self-discovery. "people", the whole selves are constants waiting to be truly represented by a competent image of a mask. and a character in a lifetime will typically go through multiples upon multiples of personas in an unconscious bid to create the best-fitting face. some will overdo it, creating exorbitantly extravagant pieces that completely shroud and eventually strangulate the self into oblivion; creating a mask behind which there is no man. thankfully this is also extremely rare.

and you dont even have to try hard to see through masks. when you do that, you see the real person inside, and can truly appreciate someone for who they really are, such that when bad things or good things develop in the mask throughout the course of reliable, old time, you would be rewarded with the assurance that you know somebody for real and not instead be surprised with superficial changes in their personas and tell yourself things like "oh wow he/shes different now. i guess people change."

because people do not change. it is up to you to focus your eyes on the persona or the person. one is chaotic and mostly meaningless; one is tranquil and ultimately everything you could, would and should know about somebody.

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misunderestimated part deux

when i was eight our teacher asked everyone to each stand up and tell the rest of the class about their favourite book in the world. all the kids stood up one by one, and a pattern became clear. the boys were the roger hargreaves's and the girls were the enid blyton's. there were the weird r.l stine's and the even weirder russell lee's but as my fellow classmates stood up and sat down it became more and more clear to me that though i found those books to be quite enjoyable reads, they werent really the same as my favourite book in the world.

and so when it arrived at my turn i wasnt so sure about myself. but i stood up and told everyone anyway:

"my favourite book is the dictionary!"

i cant remember what ms hayati said to me then or how many people laughed but i completely recall that after that day,

i stopped liking all books.